Paul's Remix of Eric's Narrative

You are in college and moving out on your own. You need furniture and appliances to live comfortably. Computers and books will help your studies. And, of course, you need clothes. Where to find all these items, especially on a budget?

There are three ways to shop for comfortable college living on a budget: the internet, department stores and thrift stores.

The internet is an endless shopping resource. While eBay, a bidding site where you can find basically anything below retail price, is popular, a budget usually loses the bidding war. Half.com is a site owned by eBay, but only deals in specific items. Half.com is home to textbooks, music and movies, books, video game systems and video games. All things necessary to live like a big man on campus.

Also consider Amazon Marketplace. You've heard of Amazon.com, but the Marketplace prices are even lower, making it more budget-friendly.

These sites can be risky because you are buying from individual sellers, not actual dealers. Caution is key, making sure you research rankings of each seller to ensure the quality of your purchase. They can be increasingly useful in your second hear of college, because you can take your old stuff and sell on these sites. Recycling supplies will become a theme for your college career, so get used to it.

If you're looking for computers or electronics, bestbuy.com and circuitcity.com often have better sales than the stores, and are more reliable for product delivery. Target.com has lesser known brands, but they offer similar quality at a lower price.

Department stores become a popular destination for shoppers during back-to-school time, usually because of their yearly sales. Mini-fridges are as low as $20 at Target. Most clothing sales feature buy one, get one half off deals, in addition to the 30 and 40 per cent off sales.

Thrift stores are walk-in stores where you can find cheap used merchandise. You can find blouses and shirts as low as $3.49, t-shirts as low as $1.99 and pants or jeans as low as $4.99. Thrift stores are also versatile, dealing in electronics as well as clothing. Furniture, books and tableware can be found here, reasonably priced and of good quality. Special daily sales at thrift stores like Boley Centers: Your Neighborhood Store, include random items at 50 per cent off, such as any item with a certain color tag.

Everyone has to move out at some point, and going to college is the perfect time. A college dorm room can be spruced-up without spending too much. Be smart, not impulsive. Pinch pennies and find sales. Your parents will thank you, and so will your wallet.

What I Think:

I didn't change any of the information, or the layout all that much either. It was written in the form of an essay, and it was effective that way.

I changed the tone from first-person singular to second person singular, hoping to establish a relationship with the reader so they feel like I am talking specifically to them.

I changed some transitions, such as putting the Half.com example right after the mention of eBay, simply because the fact eBay owns Half.com made for an easy transition. I also switched the department store and thrift store paragraphs around because of the order in which they laid out for the reader in the first paragraph.

I changed the final paragraph to leave a lasting impression on the reader.

Good use of active voice, as I did not have to make any changes regarding that, and that made the first version effective.

Eric's original narrative

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